wee hours.

i suppose i do my best thinking at night when i'm accompanied by the loneliness of night. it's only 1'ish &i feel as if it's 3am because the whole house is sleeping already, including the bf who i tend to keep up with me. i'm debating if i should have an emotional rendezvous with my blog or just put on a movie &attempt to fall asleep... currently there's a lot goin' on in my mind, as usual perhaps. but i'm strugglin' with the idea of how to handle my situations. a couple days ago i woke up from what i thought was a nap but really just merely a 5min eye relaxation &well, my life flashed before my eyes &felt the sudden need to take charge of my life &change a few things.

the idea of moving far, far away from here has occasionally &most recently crossed my mind. &when i mean far, i mean so-cal or vegas &i'm even considering hawaii! as much as i feel independant in my mind, through my self-struggles i've grown to be far more codependant than i'd ever want to be. &i think that by moving away i can learn to love myself &take care of myself, by MYSELF. my family has done a great job in not bein' very sympathetic towards the struggles i endure within myself. &i think by bein' somewhat insensitive towards that, they've made me stronger. if not, more weak. jk... for the most part, they've helped ease my stresses which prevented me any more worry. the only thing that will sadden me each day i'm gone, if i do leave, is not bein' able to visit my maili as often. &already i feel as if twice a week isn't enough. i want to be there for her as much as i can &be able to dress her everyday ;] &teach her new things &just live life as a kid with her. because that's the dearest, most important part of our lives &every child should take advantage of it. but i want to show her the right ways &teach her not to grow to be like me, except in some ways :] my problem is learning not to let things hold me back from my ambitions &passions. &right now those are, just living my life the way i want to. but with all the support in the world i'm still capable of letting my emotions hold me back from doin' what i need to do for myself.

i just wish my bf could be the push &the shove &my strength for my attemption to make such a big change. but all he could say is, "why whould you do such a thing?" though, don't get me wrong... he's a huuuge family man &all his family for the most part, is in the bay area. so really, why would he want to make such a huge move with me. so i guess the reality of it all is... do i make the move literally on my own?! :X

aside from all that, i've decided that school really isn't for me. at least, not college. or general ed. aw... fuck i don't know anymore. i love all the other materialistic, creative, artsy, no-money-makin' subjects such as; photography, modeling, dancing, fashion, hair &beauty, &i suppose 'journalism' ;D &public relations. i'm just tired of feeling guilty for wasting my parents' money &tired of wastin' away my precious life on subjects i care nothin' about. first of all, if schooling was so important to our society then WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO GODDAMN EXPENSIVE! &second, we don't learn to live our lives through textbooks but by experiencing life itself! &why spend half or more than half our lives tied down to a desk, audience to an old instructor who probably himself hasn't even experienced life. i honestly think everyone needs a break &that people "work" wayyy too hard to actually live rather than just living life &then perhaps work for fun. we work hard to live happily, but we were given life to LIVE &it frustrates me knowing that something as simple as that doesn't make everyone feel happy. (i think my hippie headband has been on too tight around my head. lol.)

i'm just glad knowing that the work i want to do in life, is something as simple &fun as takin' a picture or performing or just changing my clothes as well as others! haha. if only society made that possibility as simple as it seems...

i perceive the concept of "work" to just bein' a hobby to occupy our brains &thoughts. 'cause as much as i hate work, without it i'd probably be one hell of a mess to deal with... ;p