i've been so blinded by all that's been happening that i've lost my train of thought... &i'd love to think of that as a good thing, but to me it just means i've lost focus of myself again.
it's frustrating to me that i could be so obviously happy during certain occasions &events &then go back &question myself, "was i really as happy as i seem?" they're like emotional breaks from reality, but those breaks ARE my reality. &for once or forever, i'd just love to appreciate those moments without having to question the way they make me feel.
it's as if i need approval from myself to be "happy". don't get me wrong, it's not as if i'm always upset or anything. i just don't think i'm able to accept the fact that i'm happy, when i am. that, or i've just been "OK" &/or "content" for too long... therefore the questions that always stress me are, "how're you?" or "how're you doin'?" or "are you ok?". anything to that extent!
this has been goin' on for far too long &i'm just ready to discover somethin' else about ME... not to find myself, but to just focus on some other aspect of myself. i wish i could see myself as others do. then maybe i could understand a little more. because as much as i say, "if i were you, i'd like me too!" i remain such a mystery to myself that i don't understand what it is about me that everyone else seems to know &attracts them to me. as my family, my friends, or my anything...
in all actuality, nobody really knows anythin'... but i bet some think they could read me or at least wish they could ;) after all, my bf of almost 6 years still finds me to be unpredictable! so even if i haven't learned to fully appreciate myself yet, at least i can say that i have someone who loves me &all different sides of me. whether or not he fully understands, he's there &has always more than willingly been there to try...
this shit's gonna' start gettin' repetitive, i'm done :)
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