now i lay me down i'to sleep...

i'm tired of bein' the last one awake at night.
i already miss shin'shina &the best man.
i really... miss C3J. a shin'dig is long overdue.
my birthday is now officially, less than 2 months away!
i'm so ready to move on &out with the bf. another obstacle to conquer together...
we want to get a blue-nose pitbull &name him Stitch. it only makes perfect sense, considering my favorite disney movie is Lilo &Stitch. &stitch is blue &is supposed to be lilo's dog ;)
a preview to beyonce's new movie; "obsessed" just came on. hmm... how funny.
i'm DONE with sbux. by this point i could probably only stand working with 5 of the 20 partners at my store. sad, i know. i feel a bit unappreciated for the hardwork that i put in each day &i don't want to be a burden to anyone because of my unhappiness. we'll see how the summer kicks off...
i am no longer flattered by infatuation, but annoyed &confused.
startin' next week, back to shakin' my ass again! can't wait ;D
&&&to be continued...

mis favoritos ;)

mental stimulation

i always appreciate good conversations with good friends because to be quite honest, there's not too many people i know that could even hold one. &when it's the bf, the best man &myself there's plenty of mental stimulation. it's always the best of times when my favorite whiteboy, christopher james hudson, is in town :) naturally there's deep convo, debate &perspective. &boonce has just always been the best listener, tie breaker &/or fight breaker-upper. LOL. bein' the psych major he is (whiteboy) i promised him i'd be his first patient ;) of course &most obviously he wouldn't be my first therapist, but he would by far be the best. &we would both be gaining something. he's one of the two people who knows how to talk to me without intentionally givin' advice &makin' it about him. &well, if i'm one of the two women in his life that gets to decide who he marries then obviously through our convos my opinions matter. haha.

some people think they could help another by simply offering advice or by a relation &/or comparison. but most times that isn't the solution nor case. when someone is in need, feeling down, or simply wants someone to listen... why is it that people act so selfishly as to try &relate. most times people just want to see things in a whole new perspective, to reassure themselves. &a WHOLE new perspective, not a similar case from another person's point of view. as humans we can offer advice but in the end we make our own choices &decisions. &since we do that, why not help ourselves &neglect the advice of others. politely listen, but don't become too influenced by the faults, regrets &/or learning experiences of others.

at least, that's how i am. as much as i love to hear what others have to say, i can only accept advice from myself. people don't realize that we all have different issues because naturally we are all different. people can go through similar situations but it's how we deal with the situation &how it makes us feel that separates us. so as easy as it is for people to try &relate, nobody really can. now if you take that issue, problem, decision, or thought &look at it outside of the box &see it for what it is instead of how others may... then maybe we can all learn to help ourselves.

that's exactly why it's always a pleasure when whiteboy is around. he doesn't encourage what's right from wrong or what choices to make. he doesn't try to relate or compare to anythin'. he simply lays it out all on the table &works from outside the box down to the center. &he has me as his friend to help him realize he does just this. haha. &i'm not necessarily talkin' about personal things but with any issue or in anybody else's case. it's not always about ourselves but about the issue itself.

by dealing with things this way, i haven't necessarily solved all my problems or anythin'. but i'd like to think that it has helped me be less selfish. i am more observant of all situations &circumstances &no longer seek guidance, but choose to help myself. &although it may seem a bit hypocritical, i looove encouraging others to think more about their issues &find their own solutions!




just bloggin' about everything is so mentally stimulating... lol. gnight!

conrado justin barba

while i've been here in tracy for the past couple of days visiting my family &a dear friend of mine, an acquaintance &dear friend of my friends' has lost their life back home in the bay. i send my blessings &deepest condolences to his family &everyone else his untimely death has impacted. for the past couple of years, it's become more apparent that the violence in fremont/union city&hayward is still lingering around &pops out unexpectedly. but from what i've witnessed, it's never succumbed to such tragic. it's the most unfortunate thing that his life was cut so short... &as much as i miss everyone back home in the bay that i have not seen in so long, i'm suddenly not so eager to see anyone. only to be around anger, angst, grief &worry. but i've experienced one too many deaths in my family &through friends, that i offer my utmost support &shoulder for anyone.

refer to: "http://chantalnoelleblog.blogspot.com"

&what's really goin' on...

i've been so blinded by all that's been happening that i've lost my train of thought... &i'd love to think of that as a good thing, but to me it just means i've lost focus of myself again.

it's frustrating to me that i could be so obviously happy during certain occasions &events &then go back &question myself, "was i really as happy as i seem?" they're like emotional breaks from reality, but those breaks ARE my reality. &for once or forever, i'd just love to appreciate those moments without having to question the way they make me feel.

it's as if i need approval from myself to be "happy". don't get me wrong, it's not as if i'm always upset or anything. i just don't think i'm able to accept the fact that i'm happy, when i am. that, or i've just been "OK" &/or "content" for too long... therefore the questions that always stress me are, "how're you?" or "how're you doin'?" or "are you ok?". anything to that extent!

this has been goin' on for far too long &i'm just ready to discover somethin' else about ME... not to find myself, but to just focus on some other aspect of myself. i wish i could see myself as others do. then maybe i could understand a little more. because as much as i say, "if i were you, i'd like me too!" i remain such a mystery to myself that i don't understand what it is about me that everyone else seems to know &attracts them to me. as my family, my friends, or my anything...

in all actuality, nobody really knows anythin'... but i bet some think they could read me or at least wish they could ;) after all, my bf of almost 6 years still finds me to be unpredictable! so even if i haven't learned to fully appreciate myself yet, at least i can say that i have someone who loves me &all different sides of me. whether or not he fully understands, he's there &has always more than willingly been there to try...




this shit's gonna' start gettin' repetitive, i'm done :)

what's been happening...

i love tea.

&paul rudd is definitely my cup of tea ;)

from adam brody to paul rudd, there's just somethin' about them jewish boys... mmm.











on ANOTHER note: i'm both happy &sad.
i'm happy that i finally got my damn laptop fixed after almost 2 years! way to lag, right. thank god it's still a NEW, up to date (not out of date) sony vaio :) at least the bf &i no longer have to fight over his laptop...

the sad part is, my whole system was rebooted without any of my 1millionx photos &videos saved. there goes all of my "3 years ago" memories. it's unfortunate, that now i have to go around to all my old high school friends &ask for copies of EVERYTHING! i really, really am upset about this. it's such a loss. if there's anythin' i'd keep with me from my past it would definitely be all of my photos. everyone knows how much i love &cherish pictures. they capture my happiest moments &the best of every other emotion. *tear*

moving on...

HAPPY 21ST CHANTZ!

HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY TO CHANTAL NOELLE DACO CABILDO! :) hope you have/had the most fun-filled, spectacular time at disneyland!!!
&i just wanted to let you know that you are such a blessing to have as a friend &i am thankful for the love &support that you give me just as family member :)
i look forward to celebrating many more birthdays with you! LOVE YA' GIRL!!!

"i'm afraid..."

"...if you look at something long enough, it loses all of it's meaning." -andy warhol

as superficial &simple his work may be, it's obvious that he makes it that way so there's not much to look at &overanalyze. he wants his work to represent itself &just that. upholding one meaning &thus trying to prevent his worst fear from happening... his bright, big, colorful artwork catches your eye only to realize the simplicity of his work is the real beauty. with not much to stare at, he could keep all meaning in tact. i love it.





apparently there's much more goin' on in my head than there's is goin' on in my life... this isn't as boring as i could get. believe me. but i'm satisfied with my life at the moment &i'm happy that i can even say that. i've been seein' more of the people i love to spend time with &i can't wait 'til the sunshine (spring/summer) brings us all closer together again. all the more reason to love the sun! :)

messin' with my looks.

LOL!!! i'm tempted to do something extreme...

it's official.

i'll be celebratin' my birthday twice again this year! the official MAY babies birthday(s) will take place in VEGAS, the weekend of may 28th-june 2nd!!! &the day i come back, i will be leavin' for DISNEYLAND/california adventure june 3rd-june 5th!
i'm now happily broke &even more excited for my 21st! i'll be spendin' my official 21st bday in vegas with all the other may babies, friends &dad's family. where i can drink my life away... &then boonce &i will be drivin' down to LA to spend my birthday with mi madre &the fambam just so i can go back to actin' like a kid again for a quick moment ;D

boonce &i just booked our hotel &it is BEAUTIFUL!!! it's "uniquely chic with a touch of the tropics"... &has a pool mist bar ;] &i don't know what it is about hotels, but i just love experiencing the stay &amenities at all the different ones. only the 4 stars &up of course ;P

there's just sooo much to look forward to this summer, i'm feelin' that this year will be a good one for me.

we have britney in april, boonce's 22nd april 27th, VEGAS &disneyland in may, no doubt concert in june &many other events along the way. &as much as i don't like to get my hands dirty, i'm even hoping for a camping trip in the summer! even though things may not turn out or go as i'd hope &would like them to, just knowing i have all these exciting things to look forward to puts a smile on my face :)

to be quite honest, i'm just happy that i've made it this far in my life!

FUCK me.

wee hours.

i suppose i do my best thinking at night when i'm accompanied by the loneliness of night. it's only 1'ish &i feel as if it's 3am because the whole house is sleeping already, including the bf who i tend to keep up with me. i'm debating if i should have an emotional rendezvous with my blog or just put on a movie &attempt to fall asleep... currently there's a lot goin' on in my mind, as usual perhaps. but i'm strugglin' with the idea of how to handle my situations. a couple days ago i woke up from what i thought was a nap but really just merely a 5min eye relaxation &well, my life flashed before my eyes &felt the sudden need to take charge of my life &change a few things.

the idea of moving far, far away from here has occasionally &most recently crossed my mind. &when i mean far, i mean so-cal or vegas &i'm even considering hawaii! as much as i feel independant in my mind, through my self-struggles i've grown to be far more codependant than i'd ever want to be. &i think that by moving away i can learn to love myself &take care of myself, by MYSELF. my family has done a great job in not bein' very sympathetic towards the struggles i endure within myself. &i think by bein' somewhat insensitive towards that, they've made me stronger. if not, more weak. jk... for the most part, they've helped ease my stresses which prevented me any more worry. the only thing that will sadden me each day i'm gone, if i do leave, is not bein' able to visit my maili as often. &already i feel as if twice a week isn't enough. i want to be there for her as much as i can &be able to dress her everyday ;] &teach her new things &just live life as a kid with her. because that's the dearest, most important part of our lives &every child should take advantage of it. but i want to show her the right ways &teach her not to grow to be like me, except in some ways :] my problem is learning not to let things hold me back from my ambitions &passions. &right now those are, just living my life the way i want to. but with all the support in the world i'm still capable of letting my emotions hold me back from doin' what i need to do for myself.

i just wish my bf could be the push &the shove &my strength for my attemption to make such a big change. but all he could say is, "why whould you do such a thing?" though, don't get me wrong... he's a huuuge family man &all his family for the most part, is in the bay area. so really, why would he want to make such a huge move with me. so i guess the reality of it all is... do i make the move literally on my own?! :X

aside from all that, i've decided that school really isn't for me. at least, not college. or general ed. aw... fuck i don't know anymore. i love all the other materialistic, creative, artsy, no-money-makin' subjects such as; photography, modeling, dancing, fashion, hair &beauty, &i suppose 'journalism' ;D &public relations. i'm just tired of feeling guilty for wasting my parents' money &tired of wastin' away my precious life on subjects i care nothin' about. first of all, if schooling was so important to our society then WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO GODDAMN EXPENSIVE! &second, we don't learn to live our lives through textbooks but by experiencing life itself! &why spend half or more than half our lives tied down to a desk, audience to an old instructor who probably himself hasn't even experienced life. i honestly think everyone needs a break &that people "work" wayyy too hard to actually live rather than just living life &then perhaps work for fun. we work hard to live happily, but we were given life to LIVE &it frustrates me knowing that something as simple as that doesn't make everyone feel happy. (i think my hippie headband has been on too tight around my head. lol.)

i'm just glad knowing that the work i want to do in life, is something as simple &fun as takin' a picture or performing or just changing my clothes as well as others! haha. if only society made that possibility as simple as it seems...

i perceive the concept of "work" to just bein' a hobby to occupy our brains &thoughts. 'cause as much as i hate work, without it i'd probably be one hell of a mess to deal with... ;p

oh gee oh my.

so for the past couple of days i have actually been contemplating on whether or not to blog. this past weekend was definitely over-booked &i've been deciding whether or not to provide details or to just describe my fun-filled weekend with pictures.

&well, we started off saturday morning at the academy of sciences where we experienced first hand bein' right below the "black hole". horror! first of all, the stadium seating in the planeterium is pretty condensed &by lookin' up at the "universe" you could easily see up anyone's skirt... &unfortunately i notice a larger women sitting behind me &jokingly asked the bf to look behind him &since he wouldn't, i had him naturally take a pic of us two in the planterium. the moment we glanced at the photo we were majorly "laughing out loud"! definitely disgusted, i got a kink in my neck for not bein' able to look directly up at the universe afraid my eyes may witness another universe in itself! OMG... EEK! thank god we weren't sucked in...

we shortly left the city for my great grandmother's birthday, where unfortunately because of family issues not all of her kids or grandkids or even unknown great grandkids were all there. but our out of state fambam made it out &we were able to complete a photo with at least 4 generations! my great grandma is a great-great grandmother, we are so fortunate &appreciative to still be able to celebrate her 87th &hopefully more bday's to come...

well we made it back out to the city sunday &wandered pier 39 &fisherman's wharf. we had lunch at a small cafe' that reminded us of "splash" cafe' in socal, called "chowders!" boonce officially enjoyed a bowl of chowder off the wharf :] afterwards, we couldn't help ourselfves &did a little shopping before headin' to our future weddin' destinaion ;) lol.

might i say, this hotel reminded me of the ship 'titanic' only on land. it definitely wasn't the modern/chic appeal we usually go for. it was far more old fashioned, classy &upscale. it was simply exgravagant, if possible... the best part was of course, being able to go swimmin' in the indoor rooftop pool! with the sun shining bright outside, it almost felt just like summer :) &i just had to post that cheesy pic of us because it's too goofy (the bf obviously) &he won't let me post it elsewhere. but it makes me laugh everytime... hahahaha!

to conclude our 5 &a half years anniversary... we had a wonderful &tasteful 3-course dinner at Roy's &then watched the incredibly long &unworthy movie Watchmen at the metreon. thankfully it was a beautiful city night that we got to enjoy on our walk back to our palace ;]

i love you SF. &i love you, bernard lester fantone. here's to your patience, will, &strength it takes to be with a faulty/complicated girl like myself...

5 &a half years.

so along with attending my great grandmother's 87th bday party/sambrano family reunion in tracy this weekend, i will be spending the majority of my weekend in the city i love the most, SF.

the bf &i will be celebrating our 5 &a half year mark. the "are we tired of eachother yet" mark. "it seems like forever" mark. the "when are we gettin' married" mark. LOL. just kiddin'... &aside from all the adventures we've embarked on in the city since we've been together, we will be revisiting as many places as we can. as well as the few places we have yet to visit.

i've always wanted to attend all of the museums &galleries in sf &could slightly remember the ones i've been to when i was younger. but tomorrow/today, we're headed to the california academy of sciences. where we'll attempt to explore each parts of the academy all before headin' to tracy at 4, for my family function.

&sunday, we'll have the whole day &hopefully some good weather to enjoy some outdoor attractions. of all the 10984308438040x we've been to sf, the bf has yet to try some good 'ol clam chowder off the wharf. so we'll be havin' lunch there &if he let's me, we'll walk down pier 39 to the candy store ;] i'd also love to revisit my 3/3/2006 memory of us by the golden gate bridge. it's such a beautiful site at night when it's all lit up. especially when you're only 20 ft away, it's an unbelieveably powerful &free feeling.

we have dinner reservations at Roy's restaurant, one of our favorites. hawaiian fusion food...

before i continue i have one hell of a coincidence to share &it's a coincidence i'll accept as a 'sign' for my future ;]

so boonce &i love to hotwire our hotels because it gives us a moment of spontaneity &surprise. we pick an area we want to stay &only choose from the 4 star &up, (only because we don't know which hotel we're gonna' stay at &just want to make sure it's a good one) because there's only a 1-5 range so we're gauranteed a nice hotel. well anyway, there's this hotel (that i'd like to keep a secret but there's a few pics) that i looove &for the past 2 years have considered THIS hotel to be THE hotel that i wish to have my weddin' at. &well what do you know, for a decent price compared to the standard price, hotwire reserves us a room at MY hotel! i'm so excited &can't wait to use my new swimsuit... not only in the chilly city of all places, but in their huge indoor pool! ;D

the first pic is a hint of the hotel itself &the second pic is one of many of their courts/ballrooms...
i'm wide awake with anticipation &at this point or any point for that matter, don't care for any of the shoppin' we usually do on our visits. i'm just happy we've made it this far &that we both still love &enjoy the city as much as we did when we would ditch school for the day just to visit :X lol. an update will definitely be posted soon enough...

twitter me. jojoj0sina.

I'm the type who'd be happy not going anywhere as long as I was sure I knew exactly what was happening at the places I wasn't going to. I'm the type who'd like to sit home and watch every party that I'm invited to on a monitor in my bedroom. -andy warhol

i love me.

you know, i never really realized how strong of a word "help" was. &it's hard to take the meanin' of it out of context. but in regards to my last blog, i didn't mean for it to sound so much as a cry for help but more of a calling for motivation &inspiration...

after a few texts &comments today i've realized i may have worried a few, definitely unintentionally. but they're just thoughts that have been aching my brain &let loose a lot of strain after bloggin' about it. &it's apparent that this is my page to review &preview my thoughts &actions, to learn from myself not necessarily share myself. but i greatly appreciate those concerned &to be a honest, am little embarrassed by the words i used that have possibly worried you.

to change the mood a bit, i find it quite humorous that i pretty much summed up my life in a nutshell by just one paragraph in my last entry. i'm a very complex, confusing &complicated person so i don't expect anyone to understand what i meant in my last blog or any of them actually... i don't mean to sound so down &out or a victim of anything, i'm just self aware &well aware of my thoughts &enjoy takin' the time out on my blog to show a deeper side of myself.

because as much as i'd love to be... i'm not just the fun-loving, party hoppin', adventure seekin' person that my actions or photos portray of me. &well, i can go on forever about myself but i don't wanna' drag. after all, this page is dedicated to just me! ;D