vegas.

it seems that time is goin' by so fast... 'cause vegas is now only 3 months away! &while i'm in the process of preparin' for the time of my life &celebration of the year, i still have so much to do:

* time to book &finalize everythin' before it's too late &everything's taken. although i hope people choose to go last minute, i really need a head count right about now...
* each week i've been ordering pieces of my wardrobe for vegas/summer. but there's still a couple dresses to order, a few more pairs of shoes &swimsuit #3 ;]
* i've really been contemplating what to do with my hair this spring/summertime. it's been awhile since i've had this much hair to work with. i'm thinkin' cuttin' it all off wouldn't be an option considerin' how much i dreaded choppin' it all off 4 years ago. but as far as color goes... what haven't i done already?!
* i've been hittin' the gym every once in a while but now that i got the swimsuit i've been anticipating, i'm even more anxious to tone up. lol. i look forward to lookin' just like the girl in the pic, haha. &it just gives me a little more encouragement to get back into shape after a long winter...
* with the most expensive things out of the way, such as my sunglasses 8] time to save up for the trip in itself. &that's expected to cost about $500... thank god for tax returns!
in conclusion; i need to book &reserve, finish up my shoppin', get my hair done &hop back into shape! there's just a few obstacles on the way...

like the BRITNEY concert in april! &the BF's birthday april 27th! &NO DOUBT tix for june! ...i'm lovin' all these things to look forward to :)

no love in this club.

there's 3 months until i'm officially 21 &like any other 21 year old, you'll expect me to be goin' out every other weekend for the next few months afterwards. which is exactly why i am no longer eager to use my aunt's ID to go "clubbin'" anytime before then. (unless of course, after a long hard day a drink &some dancin' is necessary.)

so my fellow UAD &MOB squad, my sincerest apologies for not wantin' to go out to a club &celebrate "us". or to celebrate "bullshit" for that matter...

&although none of you know, but i do have some personal conflicts with the clubbing nightlife. as most of you all do know, my family is rather young... really young &i've grown up watchin' everyone go out &go clubbin'. even until this very day. &my harshest memories are when i used to stay up 'til 2-3am cryin' &sittin' by the door waitin' for my dad to come home. (which i realize now could somehow relate to my delayed sleepin' disorder now...?!) &i would also hold on to my dad as i slept just to reassure myself he was there &didn't try to sneak away to go clubbin'. crazy right?! i was definitely &most obviously a daddy's girl when i was younger. it's still mentioned sometimes how i used to throw tantrums to make him stay home. &even though i never wanted him to go out to begin with, i loved findin' king sized candies under my pillow the following mornings.

well anyway, what i'm tryin' to say is that i already have some sort of discouragement towards clubbin'. &with the amount of goin' out that i've already done in the past 4 years of my life, i wouldn't like to become any more sick of idea before i'm 'officially' 21!

though, i would looove to dance anywhere else. &alcohol is never an issue. so what really is the point of it all right?! besides the excitement, the excitement that we've all already experienced plenty of times. the excitement that we could create ourselves with just us friends anyway.

love you guys, but i'll pass this time around. i'll plan the casino/cocktail night to make up for it! ;)

maili's 4th bday.

first &foremost... HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY TO MY MAILI GIRL!!!

i can't believe my baby sister is already 4, which only means i'll soon be 21! i still remember when she was cute &looked like this:
now she's 4 &even cuter &smarter than ever, just like her eldest sister ;]

but there was a time when i hated the fact that my mom was havin' another baby &i almost wanted nothin' to do with her. i must admit, it was a selfish time for me. with my sister bein' pregnant as well &all... &me bein' in the midst of graduating. who would've thought i would love this little brat more than anythin' else in world. &now i'll be out all day spoilin' the kid, as usual :)

middle school confessions.

this documentary that i've been watchin' for the past hour is makin' me rather depressed at the moment. simply because i can really relate to the topics &not necessarily by personal experience but even just witnessing certain acts &events as the same kids are in this documentary. it makes me question, "man, what the fuck was i thinkin' when i was younger!?"

so the documentary is called, "middle school confessions". &it's fairly old, based on the cinematography. but it focuses on different kids in all parts of the country &how they face issues with sexual activity, orientation, violence, drug &alcohol, &depression. &i just noticed it's hosted by samuel l. jackson. well i'd love... to elaborate. because my favorite topic after all, is adolescence.

(interuption. i just seen a commercial for the finale of "the girls next door" &it's so sad as well. all the girls are movin' out of the mansion... gotta' watch that episode! lol.)

so one of the stories that caught my attention were about these 11-14 year old kids coming out to their friends &family. &i was just so intrigued because for those of us that are straight, we long to find &learn somethin' about ourselves &in an amazing, jealous way i'm happy to see that these kids have already discovered an important part of themselves &are learning to deal with it at such a young age. of course the sad part about it, is how they're teased &bullied because they're strong enough to have even come out to the public just as kids. fortunately these kids have an after school program almost like the boys &girls club, that they are able to go to &hang out with other gay, lesbian &bi kids that are dealing with the same struggles in their societies. in the end, it just makes me so proud to be good friends with the gay community &to have always been a supporter &member of the Gay Lesbian &Straight Alliance in my old high school.

another story that hit me hard, was about a 12 year old boy &his family finding out that he has depression. &it's not that he's teased or bullied, but simply that he has no friends &can't find the urge to even be "befriended". this little boy is quite the observer &is part of the "bully-proofing" class at his school, where kids act out bullyin' situations just to learn how to handle it. well, he realizes that all the kids in this class are fake &say one thing in the class but act out differently. so he struggles with the thoughts as to why people act the way they do. &this causes him to be anti-social, do bad in school &have uncontrollable emotions. his parents take him to a therapist &they find out he's even thought about killing himself. &apparently, when his dad was the same age, he too had tempted to commit suicide 3 times. it's just so horrible, but even more horrible that situations like this aren't surprising but aren't as noticeable we'd hope to see.

it just goes to show, that nobody really needs a reason to be depressed &that sometimes people just ARE. &they can't help how they feel or what makes them feel that way. sometimes it is just hereditary after all. but i think that no matter how big the issue is, it should always be takin' seriously because we need to take that precaution. which perhaps, can result in savin' a life. especially at an adolescent age, because at that age we haven't lived life long enough to know that there are people that do understand. &not just those that "say" they understand, but those that at least try to. i can go on &on about this topic, because it's somethin' i'm really passionate about. i would love to talk to yound kids about depression &be that understanding person. along with the 12 year old boy who was at first unaware of the disease, i think this is a topic that we need to be more aware of...

in another issue; pre-teen drinking. which is definitely somethin' i strongly discourage. boys &girls in the 5th grade hangout &drink their parents' alcohol or steal it &drink at a nearby park. when they are caught, they blame it on the parent's not bein' there. &i'm sorry, but obviously the parents' weren't all THAT there because they then would've noticed something was up &perhaps could have prevented it. i don't know, i come from two point of views. kids do get bored &find trouble to get into, but alcohol should never be an option. especially at a young age. there is a deeper reason behind choosing alcohol over a different hobby, but it differs in the kid themself.

but when i look at when i was younger &the friends i had, i see it as somethin' they needed to prove themselves. i realized i had more goin' for me &hell of alot scarier parents to be lookin' at alcohol as a scapegoat, but with the pressure at that age (even without your friends tryin' to force you to do so) you just do it &move on. but when i think about it now, those old friends of mine had nothin' to worry about. whether they were an only child, had too much freedom as a 12 year old, or they just simply had no other hobbies or passion for anythin' else. &i had dance, basketball, fashion &schoolwork (that i had to focus on in order to not get my ass beat) lol. so like i said before, "what the fuck was i thinking!?" whether it was choosing to hang out with that crowd or for bein' careless for those quick seconds of tastin' alcohol... i don't know. i was stupid, my sister was stupid &i'd kick my little brother's ass if i find out he takes a sip of alcohol before the age of 18, at least! ;]

&the documentary goes on to show kids that are gang related &continuously violent, &sexually active boys &girls.

as i'm gettin' older, i feel the many stresses of adulthood along with the stresses i've carried with me through adolescence &it's a lot to deal with &handle. so i wonder how parents could really do it all. especially the parents that too have uncontrollably carried with them the stresses from their pasts. it seems easier to focus on babies &infants because they constantly need our care, but once the kids start to grow older they are encouraged by many other people besides the parents themselves. &they are encouraged to start takin' care of themselves &to be independant whether they are ready or not. &for those moments that our parents need to take care of other business, the focus on the pre-teens is lost &that's when the challenges arise.

sometimes i wonder if we were all just meant to be with our parents as a baby &toddler &then left to live out the rest of our lives independantly &for some, alone...

he's just not that into you.

the photoshoot yesterday went better than expected. the weather was a bit cloudy &windy but i was able to wear a dress outside without freezin' to death. &timin' was perfect. each shot was in &out, we're done. can't wait to see how the pics come out. here's a couple taken from my camera...

afterwards; i was hopin' to make it to battlefest but somethin' came up. my family from tracy came to town for a bday party &i could never miss an opportunity to hang out with my baby sister. especially if i don't have to drive nearly an hour to do so.

so i froze my ass off at a park in union city just to play with her. &before they headed back to tracy, the bf came by &we decided to go watch a movie because it's just been awhile &we missed the taste of movie popcorn with extra extra butter ;]

we watched, "he's just not that into you". which was by far the best 'chick flick' that i've seen in the past couple years or so. i don't know. but apparently it's supposed to make single people feel like shit &couples question their relationships. i could imagine why, but we loved it. it's rather insightful &philosophical in dating aspects, but it depends on how you look at it. i could've sworn a therapist wrote the script. because it has a great way of portrayin' both sides of the relationship &isn't at all that biased. i definitely encourage everyone &anyone to watch the movie. although i must say, it was surprisingly long... so if you're up for it! i'd watch it again!

overall, yesterday was a great day. at least it felt good without me havin' to question my emotions. which is what i usually tend to do by the end of the night. i have a bad habit of deciding whether i feel a certain way or just "think" i feel a certain way. i'm that complex.

believe it or not, i've been finding work to be more enjoyable lately. but i know that'll change soon. i don't anticipate early mid-day shifts, so we'll see how my attitude is within the next couple of days. i'm definitely tired of smellin' like coffee nearly 24/7. that's for sure! i find myself to be more exhausted throughout the weekdays though, so i hope it won't be the same this week. i really wanna' try &get back into dance &get back to the gym!

after all, vegas is now only 3 months away!!! &i have fashionably loud swim suits &slim dresses to rock ;D speakin' of vegas, i need to go check up on some itinerary information...

great day &gnight.

it's been such a long great day that i'm too exhausted to blog. but there's so much to share that i'll have to update later...

come to think of it;
just as i'm about to end this i remembered when i was younger, every night my sister &i would talk to our dad on the phone before we went to bed &we would always end the conversation with "i love you, sweet dreams, good night." so naturally &fast as if all 3 phrases were one word. &it became a habit that sometimes we'd accidentally say it after talkin' to him on the phone in the day time. lol.

well anyway, iloveyousweetdreamgoodnight! ;D

beauty sleep.

i'm currently watchin' ATL, attempting to sleep so that i could get some beauty rest for the shoot tomorrow. that of which i'm not anticipating as much as i thought i would. i'm not too satisfied with the last minute outfit(s) i purchased. although i did have the idea of what i was goin' to wear ahead of time, i didn't actually try on the "look" until about an hour or so ago :/ i'm not too worried though. after all, i did help style the photoshoot to begin with...

on another note; i'm feelin' the symptons of a cold. my throat is sore &i've been congested all day... in the head, throat &chest. i'm hopin' they're just allergies, but we'll see how i feel tomorrow.

speaking of tomorrow, what a long day it'll be. photoshoot from 12:30 - 4:30p, which means i'll be up gettin' ready at around 9. &then hopefully... BATTLEFEST in san jose from 5 - whenev'. because god knows last year's didn't end 'til about 5am the next mornin'. after parties &all.

i'd love to know; do i come off as a likeable person?! i feel that i naturally push people away &become unapproachable. sometimes that's exactly how i'd like to be. people have told me that i make them feel inferior, but i promise that's unintentional (maybe?!). &then there's the ones' that i attract, without tryin' to be attractive. i've always questioned why people that like me, like ME. i'm still contemplating whether i like people period, or not. i guess just those few for now...

time to drink tea &get some rest.

if i could...

i would be able to post a new blog every hour or so. i have way too much on my mind.

right now, i'd just like to note that i miss my dear friend wil jervis lawas. it's been nearly forever since i've seen him &can't wait 'til battlefest this saturday to grace him with my presence ;]

battlefest is in san jose this year, startin' around 5. &is $20 presale... f.y.i.

anyway. time to run errands &finish shoppin' for the photoshoot in a couple days...

xanga vs. blogger

so apparently you have to pay to edit &update your profile &posts on xanga. because although i have two accounts with xanga, i can no longer change or update it without havin' a certain amount of "credits". those of which i must purchase with a credit card. what the fuck right!?

so because i struggle with the process of gettin' out my thoughts or jottin' them down on paper, i've decided to start usin' a good ol' bloggin' site. that of my own of course. i'm done tryin' to organize my thoughts on a random myspace survey in a bulletin or my more public "blog".

once in awhile i'd look back at my old posts on my xanga(s) &realize how much i've evolved &how much was left unsolved. &since i can no longer use the damn thing i decided to copy &paste each post on my (or the bf's) computer &thus concluded that i could damn well make a book outta' all my entries. it's pretty crazy...

with that said, i'm welcomin' myself to the world of "blogger", (although now that i think about it, i might have had one of these before as well?!). well here's to the first post of many, many, many more. 'cause you'd be surprised on how much i "think" &all the things i think about &/or have opinions on.

though my life may be pretty fuckin' boring sometimes, there's a lot that goes on in my head about the situations &events that happen &go on in my life. so again, here's to learnin' more about ME...